Foid You!
Please welcome our guest blogger John and visit his blog Windy City Wonderer please, you won’t regret.
Just a quick intro, for those of you lucky enough to not know me. I’m a Chicago boy, living in financial exile in Ohio following a migraine-related health crash. Before I was robbed of the pleasure, I loved driving, and still love cars. I’m also prone to having weird things happen to me. Here’s a great one, from my “adventures with the traffic police” collection.
I figure most of us have been stopped by a traffic cop at one time or another. Or multiple times, for us leadfoots. I once had a rather … interesting … experience myself.
First, though, just a bit of background. I’m from Chicago, and Chicago and its’ so-called “collar counties” have some VERY tough gun laws. At one time, I was also a World War 2 re-enactor – you know, like those Civil War guys, only we dressed up in WW2 uniforms and shot blanks at each other. So I needed to have a WW2 rifle – and because I had the rifle, by the laws of the land, I needed a Firearms Owner ID card – FOID card for short. It was also an accepted form of picture ID in Illinois, so I kept it in the same slot in my wallet as my driver’s license. This WILL be important, trust me.
So, one late Spring Saturday, some 20 years ago, I was at work, and managed to finish ahead of schedule. I headed home, blasting down one of the area’s “mini-expressways”, a WEE bit over the limit, with the stereo blasting. Along comes some young punk in a little 4-cylinder Japanese car, challenging my V-6 equipped Cavalier. Yeah, I was a bad boy. I blew his doors off. And just as I sailed past him, I crested a hill, and there he was. Le Fuzz.
(Insert 6 of your favourite expletives here.)
I yank my foot off the gas and move over to the middle lane, hoping beyond hope the cop was going after somebody else. Yep – he slotted in right behind me, lights flashing.
(Insert 4 more expletives here.)
So I pull over, put the car in park, and wait for him to come up to me. He asks for license and insurance card. I got to the insurance card first, handed it over, then flipped to where my driver’s license was. Except it wasn’t. I had left it at home, for some unknown reason. I sat there for a second, trying to figure out where it was. And Mr. Officer, looking over my shoulder, sees the FOID card.
The next moment, he’s yelling at me “Are there guns in this car?!?” Actually, I should say I ASSUME he was yelling. I was having a bit of trouble hearing him, as his sidearm’s muzzle was in my left ear.
Yes – BOTH of them re-ascended.
Thankfully, both my brain and my mouth engaged high gear, and I managed to spit out an explanation that a) There were NO guns anywhere in the car; b) He could search both the car and me if he wanted; and c) I only had a FOID card because I was a re-enactor who fired blanks on weekends. At this point, the officer not only relaxed, but got quite chummy – turns out he was FASCINATED at the idea of a re-enactor! We chatted for a couple minutes, then he went back and ran my plates – clear, thank God. He came back, chatted for a couple more minutes, then explained that though he COULD have written me up for more than 15mph over the limit AND no license, he chose (due to my co-operation, according to him) to simply write me for speeding. Quite a bit less expensive, thank you. He gave me the ticket, wished me a good day, and reminded me to slow down, then let me go.
I don’t remember much of the rest of the day. I basically went home and shook for a couple hours. Of course, later the story became quite a funny anecdote, and many people thoroughly enjoyed hearing my tale. And I must admit, I do find it somewhat humourous today. But I will consider myself having lived a wonderful life if I never feel the cold barrel of a gun in my ear, EVER.
So keep your license with you at all times, and if you’re from Illinois, put that dang FOID card somewhere OTHER than right next to your license. Trust me – far better someone nuzzle your ear than MUZZLE your ear!
that was a close one! I would have had a heart attack!
Oh, trust me, I’m fairly sure I set some speed records for pulse-rate! And a great alternative to caffeine, though I wouldn’t recommend it!
what is it about the police.. even if we are doing nothing wrong we get panicked!
Um … does it say something bad about me, that I’ve rarely (if ever) had a meeting with police where I hadn’t done SOMETHING wrong?
That is what we call crapping one self
Not quite – I was too puckered up, and I DON’T mean my lips!
Glad you enjoyed it, thanks!
Yikes! We prefer travelling in places where the cops don’t have guns. They can still be a pain in the ass but not a lethal pain.
Aw, but that takes all the fun outta life!
Though I imagine the traffic stops are, shall we say, less dramatic? Thanks for the great comment!
uh oh, I think then we better should stay here where the crows are flying backwards – I’ll bet our ears are thankful for this decision ;o)
The crows are flying backwards? Good grief, sounds like downtown Chicago during January, when they string ropes around Sears Tower so the pedestrians can stay upright! But trust me, I know how important it is to keep ears like yours happy. And they are very nice-looking ears, too – love ‘em! Thanks!
Another story I didn’t know, thus another example of how your experiences continue to amaze me! Well done John, and congrats on the guest post status!
Hey Doggy … I bet this (being a guest blogger) goes down as one of John’s memorable events! Well done.
Thanks, Frank. Believe me, I have a LOT more where that came from! And yes – quite an honour to be a guest poster here. I just hope I did our generous host proud!
I’m sure Doggy is proud – otherwise he wouldn’t have invited you onto his stage.
It’s actually my pleasure, I’m really grateful that John accepted the invitation.
I thoroughly enjoyed it! And if I haven’t scared off all your readers, I’d love to do it again sometime. I’m sure Frank can vouch that i have NO shortage of stories….
Doggy … I think John is trying to convince me never to return.
Hey! Nothing of the sort! You hang around here all you want, Frank. If it helps, I’ll tell everybody you don’t know me, and that I made up all the comments about you knowing me. Would THAT bring you back?
John doesn’t know any Frank, Frank doesn’t know any John and Im not writing this comment.
Oh, thank you so much for straightening that all out for me, … um .. er .. who are you again? Wait – who am I? Where ARE we? Darn it, they got the co-ordinates wrong again! Gonna have to fire that transporter tech! Whoever he is….
The part about the gun in the ear – whoa! scary stuff! Glad it all turned around for you! Enjoyed reading!
Yeah, it was a … memorable …. experience. Glad you liked it, and thanks!
Never a dull moment huh?
Pam
I gotta admit, me and “dull” never spent much time together! Thanks!
Nice story, but I want more. What size was the gun? Did it look like a cannon out of corner of your eye? Did he say ‘Do ya feel lucky, punk’? And were there lots of skid marks (and I ain’t talkin about on the road!)?
“lots of skid marks (and I ain’t talkin about on the road!)?”
I giggled
Yeah, that part got a couple chuckles outta me, too!
To be honest, I was too scared to even move my eyeballs! I’m still surprised I was able to string together enough coherent words to keep him from cleaning out my right ear – via the left! Though he – thankfully – didn’t invoke any movie lines, that might’ve generated a TRULY poorly-timed laugh. But, amazingly, I did get out of it skid-mark free. WAY too puckered up, and like I said above, NOT the lips on my face!
I’ll take your word for it.
I vaguely remember a discussion on my blog about sphincter spasms, I’m not sure we ever got to the bottom of it though.
Glad to hear you toned down the expletives for the guest post.
Only 4? slacker.
I know, I was expecting more, there’s no censoring in here, he kept it cleaner than my tags.
Hey, I try to keep a PG-13 rating – though I do drift towards “R” from time to time. Besides, I leave the colourful lingo to Brainrants, he is FAR more fluent in expletives than I am!
Wow, close call!
Oink oink,
Katie and Coccolino the mini pig
Yeah, I’ll be a happy person if I get through the rest of my life without a gun to my head! Once is MORE than enough! And thanks for the comment – I’ve talked to people, dogs, cats, even goats, but you’re my first pig! Thanks, Coccolino – and Katie!
OK where’s the hot trickling urine, going down the leg, and the crap..lol Oh God, my friends are on this blog..I mean, by Jo, that was a close shave
xxooxx
Mollie and Alfie
Like I said above, most of me went rigor mortis, rather than floppy – to the good fortune of my car’s interior! Though I did sweat enough in those few seconds, I rode home with a soaked shirt. Well, sweat AND tear-soaked, I’ll give ya that much!
Thanks, Mollie and Alfie! (Sorry, I’m new here and not sure which that is in your gravatar, but he/she is GORGEOUS! Despite my cat stories, I’m a dog kind of guy, from WAY back! 
)
Hey, everybody out there! Thanks for the great response. I promise I will read AND respond to all comments, I’m just running way behind schedule today. So be patient – I’ll get there, I promise. And in the meantime, a HUGE “thank you” to our wonderful host for letting me pollute his site with what passes for my wit (or half of it, anyway), and thanks to everybody who liked and commented about it. To coin a phrase, “I shall return!”
So glad … I don’t drive anymore *smile … less problems without a car.
I don’t get to drive, either, mainly due to the meds I take. Mind you, for some reason I can’t fathom, our cost of speeding tickets HAS dropped rather steeply….
In one way … good change, but in another is it sad that you can’t drive. I know that in US – driving is such a big part of everyday life, sometimes too big. *smile Thanks for coming back to me.
Unfortunately, where we live, driving is more of a necessity. The up side is, cops are truly a rarity. As a matter of fact, so are traffic jams. And modern stores. And any cell phone reception. And quite often, people….
Yes you sure made that cops day! How chummy of him to talk your ear off after holding a pistol to your head…
Yeah, that was quite a mood swing on his behalf! I’m not suggesting he had some bi-polar issues …. well, not TOO much, anyway….
And thanks for stopping by!
I have no comment. Kyla with no comment? Any comment I’d make would get me into hot water.
Don’t worry, Kyla. I spend so much time in hot water, I could out-duel a lobster! And if “he who is without sin cast the first stone”, well, look for me somewhere near the end of the line. VERY near the end. Maybe even behind it….
But thanks for commenting – even if your comment was “no comment”.
Sounds like a fun incident. What would have happened if you had had a gun in your car?
Well, Binky, I’ll let you picture this. IF – and this is a big if – there had been a gun in the car, I would’ve been headed to a re-enactment. So, I probably would’ve been wearing my uniform – German, at the time. Complete with the iconic stahlhelm helmet.
As a cop, seeing that, what would YOU do? I think I would’ve have enough holes in me to whistle like a calliope!
Pingback: Thanks John, scratch that, Thanks ME « Doggy's Style