True Fairy Tales: Snow White
Profile: Only child, mother died while giving birth, rich father, spoiled girl. First world problems “I look fat in that hand-made silk dress,” “The emerald earrings don’t match the pearl necklace, I wanna die!” Turned into goth and started using illegal substances, thus the nickname Snow White.
Snowy
Facts: Snow White was not an innocent girl. The servants of the household would complain to her step mother about the constant abuse from Snowy. They had to clean her room after the crazy nights Snowy would have. She was a pyromaniac and, according to the statement of the governess, a nymphomaniac. Snowy was not happy with her father’s marriage with The Queen. Snowy soon started to boycot their union, she would create the most sordid stories, trying to play the victim so her father would pay more attention to ger childish dramas, was all fueled by her over possessiveness and jealousy, she couldn’t see The Queen being happy with her father.
All The Queen wanted was to get Snowy into rehab.
Snowy ran away to the forest and used her looks to entice 7 hard working dwarfs. Little did they know it was the beginning of the end for them — Snowy was part of the Forest Cartel. She would smuggle cocaine to neighbor kingdoms and saw the mines as a great hiding place for the “goodies.” Snowy used the dwarfs as sex slaves and mules, little mules that is.
S-hoe White and the 7 Dwarfs
Soon the DEA was on Snowy’s heels. Snowy got leads from Rapunzel, she knew she was cornered. She planned the perfect escape. She would destroy the mine and kill all 7 dwarfs to erase all traces of her wrong doing. She would fake her own death and start a new life somewhere else.
It worked, and with the help of Prince she was “buried.” Prince was later found dead, and Interpol has included Snow White on the most wanted list. She’s accused of murdering 7 dwarfs and Prince and for the use, trafficking and distribution of illegal substances and for having practiced the “Colombian Tie” on more than 35 of her servants. She also ruined her father’s marriage and The Queen’s reputation.
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You may also want to read other True Fairy Tales:
lol
ah you are a wonderfully messed up young man lol x
As white as the driven slush.
Not the dwarfs! Not Dopey!
….
was Dopey a coke head?
I always suspected something was a little “off” in Snow’s relationship with those dwarfs. Yet another childhood story goes “up in smoke”…….
Pam
This simultaneously made me laugh out loud and ruined my childhood. That’s talent, my friend
I don’t know if I like your fairy tales … they are so evil! And I love happy endings – there aren’t enough of happy endings around. What happen to all the pure and innocent girls ???? *laughing. There must be some of them left !!!!
That goes way beyond gritty reboot, but it’s strangely plausible. I smell a Disney cover-up on the original.
How can number three not have the most votes
This makes me want to know more about the story of each of the gang of 7.
Thanks for telling the whole truth about snow white ;o)… or better “snort white”?
Inspiring use of tags – ‘what to read to my 2 year old’!!
Always interesting takes on these characters – very entertaining!
Oink oink,
Katie and Coccolino the mini pig
I think she’s hiding out in the shed. He goes visits her a lot.
I agree with Clowie and how about the little mermaid? Though Andersen fairy-tales are so cruel, will be difficult to top that.
What about the Aurora/sleeping beauty?
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I do not think I am allowed to be reading this…don’t tell my mom, okay?
Disney’s lawyers will be calling you any minute now!
Nooooooooo not Snow White too…..
I beg to disagree the Dwarfs have been tweeting His Holiness Pope Benedict asking him to intercede on behalf of Snow White.
Thanks for lifting the lid on Snow! Keep up the good work!
http://sophiebowns.wordpress.com
Well this is a very different take on that tale haha!
Falls right in line with what I have always thought, something sick in those relationships.
haha, I love how one of your options is always, you are a sick man, and isn’t it true! Well, I never heard this version before, I’m guessing its just another one of disneys dark secrets…
You’re too funny.
So, it was the Dwarves who pioneered the drugs-moving tunnels, eh? Very cool. And whatever happened to her sister Rose Red? Profitable fashion mogul, or main mover of opium outta Afghanistan?
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Whoa, never looked at it that way. Bad Snow White, BAD!