True Fairy Tales: Little Red Riding Hood
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Miss Four Eyes, enjoy her brilliant guest post and please visit her blog, you gonna love it.
Profiles: Little Red Riding Hood, a small woman with a face so angelic that nobody ever questioned her innocence. The bright red cloak acted as much more for Little Red than just an obnoxious garment of clothing. After bringing the ‘lost little girl’ back into the woods to find her ‘grandmother’s house’ she’d pull off her cloak and choke her victims to death, with nobody in an earshot to hear their silent struggle.
The Woodcutter, a retired porn star and the lover of Little Red. Recognized by some as Paul Bunyan from his early (pre-porn) years. After realizing that ‘The Woodcutter’ made a horrible porn star name, despite having obvious dirty connotations, he became a mass murderer and slaughtered his victims with an axe.
Victim: Best cross-dressing animal in all of town, known only as ‘The Wolf’ in the local burlesque. He could do the cabaret like nobody’s business and had never even hurt a fly. Sadly for The Wolf, he had several orders of protection against him for being mistaken as The Big Bad Wolf, a serial killer (known victims: the three little pigs, and the boy who cried wolf and all his sheep).
Facts: After seducing the cross dressing wolf out of his clothes, Little Red commenced flirting with him, waiting for The Woodcutter to arrive (to kill him, not for a threesome)
“My what big teeth you have” she said coyly untying her hood.
“Better to eat you with.” The Wolf flirted back.
At this point, Little Red drew out her cloak and attacked the wolf. Leaping out of the bed, wearing nothing but his night gown the wolf shrieked for help. The old lady next door was fast asleep and there was nobody for miles. Little Red decided to switch things up and climbed into the wolf where she sliced him up on the inside, while The Woodcutter hacked him from outside.
That was the last anyone ever saw of The Wolf. Never again would there be a better rendition of Adele’s Rolling In the Deep at the burlesque. Some were relieved, most mourned. Little Red and The Woodcutter used what remained of The Wolf as a rug in their new home on Dury Lane where they posed as Little Bo Peep and the Muffin Man.
Brilliant! Love it Miss Four Eyes. These blogs are starting to remind me of the Jasper Fforde Nursery Crime series. I do miss the chance to tell you you are a sick man Leo.
I know, but I’ll make up for that soon.
Yes, I miss being able to vote “sick man”!
Me too!
What? No Leo, I didn’t say that.
Thanks, Animal Couriers! How have I never heard of the Nursery Crime series? They sound fun, I love fairy tales with a twist (and the ability to tell Leo he’s a sick man, but sshhh, don’t tell him I said that)
Was that an encrypted message? I can’t read a thing.
Hope you are not trashing me.
I would never dream of it
Think you love those books!
I’ll be sure to check them out
Do we need an excuse to tell Leo he’s a sick man? Do we need to have a poll in order to tell him that? I think not!!! Good job exposing (oops) the REAL DEAL on “The Hood” Miss Four Eyes.
Pam
No we don’t!
Thanks, Pam! I giggled at ‘exposing’
This is hilarious:))
Glad you enjoyed it, Lavinia
I guessed it! What a bad girl! I feel sorry for the wolf. … and the moral of the story: don’t trust the lady in red ;o)
Yeah, poor wolf, killed for having a love for Adele and cross dressing.
absolutely ;o) killed for being just ordinary and normal…that’s the end of the world as we know it ;o)
Exactly!
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LOL, I’m speechless. Never will I be able to read a fairy tale again..lol I use to think Red Riding hood was lovely.. and the woodcutter. See when we are young, we never understand what we are reading. Where’s that button..lol xx00xx
Mollie and Alfie
Oh the things we believed as children. First is was Santa Clause, now Little Red Riding Hood and the noble Woodcutter. Feel a little betrayed don’t you?
The ‘Leo is a sick man’ button? Hehe
Yeah
very sick..Hehe 
MOAR!
Hey Ritika! Long time no see
rawr
Wolf rugs are cozy in winter.
Aren’t you afraid of them staring at you?
No we can handle the eyes.
Dying just from the tags. I totally wanna trash a fairy tale too! What fun! I mean, who knew about Red, huh? A tramp AND a murderer.
I always kinda suspected the little twit. I mean, why do you think her mother was so eager to have her play in the Woods?
Pick one, you are free to come back. The doors of my blog are wide open (I don’t even have doors, but let’s assume I have).
Yay! Now I have to think of one.
Is it a Doggie Door? Hahahaha I didn’t get enough sleep last night. Near comatose.
You read the tags!
You should do one! You’d come up with something super twisted, I just know it
[insert dirty joke about wood]
That poor wolf…
You said it. Poor thing.
Thanks for exposing the big lie that we’ve heard so much we think it’s true. Wolves need a better PR firm.
Yes they do! It’s not fair that they’re labeled for The Big Bad Wolf everytime
I think there is a book in the works …. Fairy Tales by a Sick Man and Company
That’s a great idea, it would sell good in middle school lol
I like this idea!
Sick Man Leo, I’m ready to be part of your company
I’ll do the drawings..lol
Yay!
this sounds like a reasonable and feasible projects. Miss Peach (my slave/editor) could do the editing. We’ll get Oprah to review it on her book club and we’ll be set.
Always a yes fior Miss Peach! But Oprah? She’d make our readers think it’s a horror book
Sounds like a deal to me!
Those tags….
You read them
Who doesn’t love those tags?
Zippidy do da.
Zippidi day, my oh my what a wonderful day
All of my nightgowns are so unsexy that they can’t even be called gowns.
I couldn’t really ignore them!
This was pretty brilliant if you ask me. I like that the name woodcutter is dirty at first but then when you take a second look, the connotation of cutting one’s wood makes it kind of morbid. Guys around the blogosphere were probably grabbing their crotches in hypothetical pain.
Oh Becca, you make me grab my crotch with tears of laughter
I shall grab my crotch in appreciation.
*crotch grab*
It’s the new fist bump.
Crotch bump?
Too much? We’ll get there someday
Bahaha. I don’t want the word “bump” and “crotch” in the same sentence, but yeah, we will figure it out.
MJ would be proud.
Crotch grabbing, fisting.
Talk about deranged…
Hey now. No crotch grabs for you!
Dearest Nake Blog Goddess, this is an amazing story. All fairytales should be so entertaining. I agree that this is the most likely of scenerios and that the way the story has been portrayed for generations just seems a little too coincidental.
Great job!
I knew you would agree, thanks for marching your Sexy Storm Trooper behind all the way here!
I bet one of these fairytales have a secret storm trooper they’re trying to cover up…
Hmmm… I can’t wait to read that one.
My entire childhood is a lie!
I know how you feel, it hurts doesn’t it? But now at least you know the truth
We always love when the truth is exposed!
Oink oink,
Katie and Coccolino the mini pig
It had to come out eventually! Glad you enjoyed it
oh no! there goes my innocence. It’s funny, but I kind of liked being innocent.
Oh Jackie, I’m so sorry. But is innocence really better than believing that a man-eating wolf could be dressed up as your grandmother every time you go to visit her? The truth had to come out.
yes, yes, I know you are right. sigh, just so sad.
I know, I am sorry about your innocence
I dressed up as Lil Red for Halloween multiple times as a child, so this post put an end to that chapter of my childhood. Those tags were exceptional. ;D
You just reminded me that I dressed up as her as a child too. Oh no. Never again will I be able to look at the photographs.
You read the tags!
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You are evil! I love you! xoxo
Oh Auntie Sandee, I love you too! xx
I always knew that chick was up to no good!
Wait! I thought her hood was red from the blood of her victims, which she carved up after they passed out from the “mickey finns” in the goodies in her basket. The Woodcutter simply helped her get rid of the bodies – gee, a guy going off into the woods with an axe and chainsaw, what could be suspicious there?
)
(Yep. This week it’s YOUR turn to say “You’re a sick, sick person”!
(I was also the 69th comment. I would be…)
(Shoot – hit the wrong ‘reply button’ – sorry John! ^.^)
I’m sure John appreciates it
At least it was an gutter comment, makes me feel better.
That’s okay, Jill, you can be 69th with me anytime … er .. I mean, you can 69 me anytime …. wait … um … I think I’ll shut up now.
<3
Haha! You would be! And only you would notice that
You’re a sick, sick hilarious person! But your story makes sense, we must investigate further! Sick Man and Company will contact you soon
“The better to eat you with” oh dear… I never took it that direction before… and now that I have, I can never go back…
love all the tags btw
There is no going back now. Every time you read to kids, your nieces and nephews, your children, you will giggle inappropriately. They’ll ask you “Aunt Jill/Mommy, what happened? It isn’t funny! The wolf is going to EAT her!” but it won’t help you’ll just laugh harder.
I’ll just look at my boyfriend/sex friend/husband, grin lasciviously and say, “oh YEAH he will!”
Go Aunt Jill!
Miss Four Eyes that was quite entertaining and as for Dear Leo I can’t bring myself to cast disparaging remarks on him. He is among only a few who visits my mundane and innocuous site so I can bite one of the few hands that feed me?
Thank you!
Bite the hand, you know you want to! I promise I won’t tell Leo
I’ve always known you were brilliant. Now the world knows it too!
Interesting tags, too…
Hook, you are too kind
You read the tags!
Brilliant … I have an completely different version – but not suitable for this environmental !!! Well done.
Sorry, my fingers works faster than my brain – this environment – it should have been.
I’d love to read your version, especially since you said it isn’t suitable
No, it’s VERY naughty but funny.
Now I want to read it even more!
No .. can send over email .. but not in public. A lot a people will be offended.
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MissFourEyes,
I thought the story couldn’t get any darker, but you have impressed me. I love it.
Tim
Thanks, Tim! Glad you liked it