Leo asked if I could fill in for him for this naughty Thursday. I would never hesitate to accept such invitation, as I like to think naughty is my thing. I dream naughty, I act naughty, I am naughty. Which, by the way, reminds  me of one my grandmas.

My granny was such a bad girl that I am sure we would have been BFFs  in different circumstances.  She used to take me to church a lot and she used to make me pray to God every evening but in between church sessions, we would have grandmother – grand daughter talks, like this one, for example:

“Granny, my mom told me to save my virginity for my husband. She said virginity is my most precious asset.”

“Oh, please! She saved her virginity for her husband and what did she get? My son! Not such a good deal, if you ask me… How about you enjoy life instead? And maybe you should never get married.  I was lucky, because all my husbands died and I didn’t have time to get bored of them. But not all women are that lucky, you know!”

Yes, ladies and gents, my granny buried three husbands and all of them seemed like they had died of natural causes. Nobody could ever prove otherwise.

I resemble my granny a lot. We look pretty much the same, except that I am pretty. She was rather… not pretty. I remember how everybody was always wondering how she managed to get three rather handsome men to marry her, considering her looks.

Maybe her most precious asset wasn’t her virginity, which she had lost at quite a young age. Maybe my granny was good in bed. I remember my last step grandfather being sad each time she was sending him to sleep in another room or how he was trying to grab her boobs each time she was changing her clothes.

My granny had very big boobs which sadly, I didn’t inherit and besides, she was the best cook ever. The cooking gene skipped a generation (my father) and got to me, fortunately.  When eating my food, my sister always says I like men and I am a good cook, just like our granny.

Oh, and my granny also did time in prison during communism, I forgot to tell you that. I didn’t hear about any naughty jail stories, though, I don’t know if she made any of the women there her bitch. If she didn’t, it was because she didn’t want to, not because she couldn’t.  Apparently, she spent her time there learning how to weave Romanian traditional carpets. In her late years, she weaved few carpets for my sister and I. They are quite valuable nowadays, my granny did well, thanks granny, wherever you are.

Even though my granny was quite a party girl, she didn’t like drinking and she didn’t let my grandparents drink either. I kind of like to get my drink on at social gatherings so I probably have the alcohol gene from my other granny, the alcoholic one that only buried two husbands.

But about her, some other time. I am running out of words now. I am over 500 words already and I don’t want you to get bored on the holy Thursday of Naughtiness.

Love,

Lavinia

I was talking to a good friend of mine whose back in Brazil. Not all my conversations are about me getting into prostitution, this one turned out to be quite interesting.
Male chauvinism. In idiomatic expressions, why are the words to express bad things female in gender?
This is more prominent in Romance Languages, probably because the gender of words is more defined.
I’ve failed to come up with many examples in English, but the most common is:

Life is a bitch.
Why can’t life be a dog?

Need I say more?

You cry like a bitch.

You throw like a girl.
I’ve played college volleyball and there are girls that would knock you down if they hit you in the face.

In Spanish, Portuguese and Italian (languages that I’m proficient in) I can name a lot of cases when a word in its feminine form is used to express something bad or even to insult someone, while in its masculine form it’s used generally to say something good or it has a neutral/literal meaning. But let’s focus on Spanish because it’s the one I’m using lately.
Let’s start with:

PerrA(bitch): Basically a slut
PerrO(dog): Lazy or a mean guy

Perra

ZorrA(fox): A slut
ZorrO: A clever guy

Zorra

Cualquier: Any guy
CualquierA: A whore/slut

Intimacies of a Prostitute

AtrevidO: A brave, outspoken, carefree guy.
AtrevidA: A loud/rude girl and of course  a slut too.
Becca, from Lady or Not Here I Come wrote a post in a very funny way that you must read, in which she asks why being outspoken is ok when you are a guy, but when a woman does it, it’s sorta trashy?

Atrevida

Hombre de la vida(well-rounded man): A man with experience in life
Mujer de la vida: A whore

A well-rounded woman

CallejerO: An urban guy. A guy who likes to be out and about.
CallejerA: A slut/whore

Callejera

Coñazo(from Coño, slang for vagina): Something annoying
La polla(from polla, slang for penis): Something awesome.

We all agree that scholl is a true “coñazo”

I’d love to hear examples from you, and I promise to write a later post with your additions.
We still live in a patriarchal society where too often femininity is associated with bad things, hence there’s no goddess figure in religion as important as her male counterpart.
The preconceived image that everything relative to femininity is weak or not worth it, it’s so deeply rooted in ourselves that even women are quick to judge a guy is he’s doing something considered to be merely feminine.
This is embedded in us, man or woman. We are predisposed to act this way because of the “norms” of our society. The fact that it’s “normal” should be shocking to say the least, don’t you think?

Miss Four Eyes, wrote a great post about male/femele roles, you should read it.

Kozo made a videolog about patriarchy, take 5 minutes of your time and watch it.

And to finish, Le Clown wrote a very interesting post about misogyny that is a must read. 

No wonder why your floor is always so clean.

Mother tried to sell son on Craigslist

But it wasn’t the only one, there are several cases of mothers trying to sell their kids on e-Bay and in Facebook like this one:

2 for the price of 1, Oklahoma mother attempted to sell her kids on Facebook.

Now, please allow me to share a few stories that caught my attention. This is what good parenthood is:

First we have Tyshekka Collier, who went on a spanking spree to her son’s school.

Tyshekka Collier

Then we have sweet Carron Washington, he was only concerned for her baby’s well being, he’s logic was amazing, however, we all know that to clear congestions is Drano.

Carron Washington

I’m sure you are aware that the UN has recently suggested to start eating insects because we are running out of resources. The Forbes family was well ahead of them, however, they failed to teach their kids that the mouth is to eat and talk and the ears to hear, other than that they have the bug ingestion down.

The Forbes Family

Patricia Krentcil, is only a fashion forward mother, she just wanted to her daughter to keep her tanning throughout the year, nothing wrong there, right?
Ohh and get’s what? Now the mother is famous, she doing porn now.
Wow!! The woman is famous for real, she even has a music video.
Please enjoy It’s Tan Mom

Let me close this post with an act of love. A mother visits her son in jail, gives an innocent french kiss and passes 2 Oxycodone into his son’s mouth. Since when this act of love performed by Kimberly Margeson it’s a crime?

Kimberly Margeson and her son lil Will

Ever felt left out when your friends are talking about that pair of worn but WASHED underwear they just bought from someone over e-Bay?

Nothing can be as nasty as one of the Kardashian’s underwear??

Ever wished for someone to give you a pair of worn but WASHED underwear when blowing off the candles of your birthday cake?

Ever felt like a naughty boy/girl when none of your Christmas gifts was that pair of worn but WASHED underwear you always wanted?

Ever wanted to shut up that show off coworker that will talk nonstop about the diamond her husband/lover gave her by showing off the pair of worn but WASHED underwear you won?

Worn but Washed!

You know I’m here to help, I’m always happy to bring you a solution to your problems.
Head over Mollie’s and bid for a pair of great worn but washed underwear.
It’s all for a good cause, raising funds to pay for the vet bills of a cat who was almost a goner but now is back on his 4 legs and meowing like crazy.

You’ve gone totally crazy if you thinking I’m gonna give a penny for a pair of used underwear even if they’ve been washed Leo, get a grip you lunatic!!!
Calm down!!!
There’s also a bra for the ladies! (the bra isn’t mine tho)

Grrrr

So, just click on the following link to get your pair of used underwear: Gosh! I want a pair of worn but washed underwear!!! 

I know I was explaining the reason behind this so go here to find out more: Help Leo (this Leo it’s not me, it’s the cat) 

Just to make something clear, I’m not gonna be sending my underwear out, the winner will get a surprise gift. 

Our ride was a bit shaky, it was raining like it only rains in the tropics, all the German and Canadian tourist that were sharing the boat with us were really disappointed, they suggested going back inland and cancel the trip. I don’t blame them, but they should have know that in the tropics rains really heavy for 30 minutes and then you get a blue a sky like if nothing ever happened. 

These islands do not have any of the commodities that you would find inland, forget about fancy hotels, fancy places to eat, it’s you and nature. 
If you chose to stay (I highly recommend it), you can rent a room in one of the cabins, for less than $10 you’ll get a comfy bed, you may also rent a room from any of the locals.
Lunch goes for about $10, fresh fish or lobster, as fresh as it gets, from the sea to your plate. 
After lunch you have plenty of time to bask and walk around the island, talk with the locals (they speak perfect English) or enjoy the crystal clear waters. Snorkeling it’s a must, I got to see lobsters and more fish than I thought existed, funny to see how the fish don’t give a damn about you being there. Same with the dolphins. 
This had been without doubt one of the best trips I’ve ever had, if I could I’d buy an island there and move with my beast. Alas, islands are not for sale. 

Thanks to Eduardo for some of the pics. 

New map of Europe including Israel, as you can see it fits perfectly in the Bay of Biscay

For us in America, Eurovision it’s totally unknown, but just to share a few facts some famous people have performed there, ABBA, Celine Dion (representing Belgium), Andrew Lloyd Webber and someone else that I can’t remember now. And this year Bonnie Tyler and her wax doll face is representing the UK with a really boring song.

Spot the 7 differences.

I’m not a fan of this contest, but I watch it because it’s interesting to listen to songs in all different languages, English is still the most popular choice, but there are still singers than perform in their mother tongue.

Spain always loses, well, not last place but right there and it only keeps going because it’s part of the big 4 (don’t ask me what that is) and goes straight to the final, like Italy, France, the UK and the winner of the previous year which also happens to be the host country.

Enough details, let me share some videos with you.

First my favorite, from Montenegro with Igranka (Party), sadly didn’t make it to the finals but I’d surely dance to that song.

Then we have a controversial performance from Finland, Marry Me. Can you imagine they have the nerves to show a lesbian kiss at the end??!! Turkish public TV is saying they won’t show it because….because…because…ohh yeah, bigotry it’s the word.

France is bringing a lighter version of Amy Winehouse, I like the song. Amandine sings L’Enfer et Moi.

Then we have probably the most “weird” performance, I can’t help to hate the guy. You all know I wanna be a soprano. I hope he wins. From Romania Cezar with It’s My Life.

Now if you wanna fall sleep you should listen to Spain’s song, to be fair, this guys were sorta forced to go, as I said, it’s all about politics. That being said, the song sucks, which it’s cool because if Spain were to win we would have to host the show next year and there’s no money for that.

And to finish, let me share one my favorite performances, from 2012 an Icelandic girl sung Je ne sais quoi, she should have won.

Have a nice day!

That’s the kind of heart you shouldn’t tear

He said he didn’t want to give them money, so I suggested to ask his mother to bring something since she’s gonna visit him before he heads back home. Something means Victoria’s Secret body lotion.
He said he thought about it but the host mother and sister sell that kinda stuff, bad quality but still, they sell it.

And this originated a nice conversation:

Me: I think I’ll start selling my stuff.
He: What stuff? Your VS stuff?
Me: My stuff
He: If you were a prostitute how much would you charge?

Hell yeah!

Me: Not much.
I rather get a lot of customers.
Of course things would change.
For a full service, dinner and drinks (2) included at my place, plus a movie. I’d charge 300-500 bucks.
If it was just a bj, 100 bucks, cheap.
He: I see, I see.
Me: Would you pay it?
He: No. I wouldn’t have enough.
Me: Thanks for your support.

If I had a mullet I’d be too

While I was writing the first part of this it occurred to me that the soundtrack for this could be that Beyonce’s song, “If I were a whore”

…”And chase after trucks
I’d hide a knife on my bra 
just in case I get confronted 
by 3 guys that want to stick on me

If I were a whore….”

That’s how the lyrics go right?

Have a nice weekend!

Not Exactly a Tiramisico

It’s so easy, even a caveman could do it. (Geiko is not paying for this post)

So let’s get down to business:

Mix 200gr of Mascarpone, with 100gr of fresh Ricotta and 50gr of sugar. Once the mixture it’s creamy we need to put in the fridge for 15 minutes. Meanwhile we need to start with our crème pâtissière by mixing 0.2 liters of milk, 50gr of corn starch and 40gr of vanilla flavored sugar, we gotta cook this at medium low temperature until it get’s very thick, you gotta stir slow but constantly.

Crème pâtissière

We gonna use a bag of lady fingers as the base of our Tiramisico.
In a 8×10 inched cake mold, we gonna lay the first layer of lady fingers, then we gonna open a can of anchovies, putting an anchovy on top of each lady finger, then covering with the oil of the anchovies. You can use low sodium anchovies. Then we carefully put a layer of the Mascarpone mixture and then another layer of lady fingers. Now you open a can of clams and cover all the lady fingers, if you need more than 1 can of clams go ahead, then we pour the juice on top of the lady fingers and cover it with a layer of crème pâtissière. you may top with fresh Cockle and 130gr of granulated fat-free dark chocolate.

Once you are we are done, we need to let it rest in the fridge for 1-2 hours, after this all you need to do it’s to take it out of the fridge and carefully deposit it in the trash cash, including the mold.

Roast Beef  and Potatoes Tiramisico

Tip: If you want a juicy and flavorful Tiramisico, you should soak the lady finger in shrimp broth. All you need is the head of 25 shrimps and 1 liter of boiling water, let the heads cook for 15 minutes, wait until the broth it’s at room temperature to start soaking the lady fingers.

Please let me know how you like it.

A true intervention

I had my first intervention years ago, it was totally unexpected and uncalled for if you ask me.
According to my friend my issue affected them equally, one of them took the stand and started to tell me how much they liked to hang out with me, that I was a nice guy with a weird sense of humor but nice nonetheless (you know crap is coming when people start with “I love you but…”).
I was getting anxious, I demanded to cut the crap and get to the point, one of them was holding a bag of The Whole’s Food.
The guy who was talking reached into the bag and pulled something asking:

I don’t think they are as green as they say.

“Leo, you know what this is?” Of course I knew, I was not blind not idiot.
“Yes, I know what that is, but what’s the relation between that and me?” I asked.
“We’d love you to stop bringing this to the movies or stop coming to the movies with us” 

I was taking aback, after a few seconds thinking I grabbed the bag and politely asked them to go to hell.

Carrot Sex

You think eating baby carrots at the movies it’s a big deal?
Honestly, would it bother you if someone next you let’s say watching “The Doubt” was chewing a bag or 2 of baby carrots?
Pop corn gets stuck in my gum, they are not going to come and floss my teeth, are they?

Talk about drama!

You know how that night ended?
Yeah, you got it right, all my friends drinking, I should have given them an intervention.

Job Interview. Checked!

When I decided to stay in Spain, I had to sent out resumes, you know, to make a living and stop draining my savings.
There I was faced by a huge challenge, having to translate my resume to Spanish and what is worse, formatting it the Spanish way.
In Spain resumes, as a general rule must have a picture and people usually includes their personal ID number, address and DOB. Mere insanity, back home you will never include that info on a piece of paper that people uses to play Tic-Tac-Toe

I won!

I started the painstaking process to translate my beautiful resume using my rusty broken Spanish, I tried several times, failing constantly. I asked for help because I was annoyed and as usual me wanting to be funny ends up in disaster.
I named the document “I hate this crap”, sent it to a friend, he translated it, sent it to me, I reviewed and was pleased, and sent it out.
Nobody would call me, I was feeling depressed, I always thought I had a good resume, back home people would always call me. I started to question if I should go back home and drop the adventure.

Mama, it’s me!

Later a friend asked me to send him my resume because he knew of a company that was hiring, so I started looking on my computer for it:

Resume Leo – No results

Resume Spanish – No results

CV Spain – No Results

Curriculum Espanol – No results

Anxiety attacks are welcome

I thought I had deleted it, so I went through my sent email trying to locate a copy of said resume, I found it!!

File name: I hate this crap

I was happy to know that the reason nobody was calling wasn’t because I was a big failure and nobody would even consider an interview.
I was sad because I’m a mess.
Once I changed the file name and sent it a couple of times, I started to get calls for interviews.
I declined all the offers and ended working for a company that has nothing to do with my major.
I’m an architect and I’m working for a telecomm company.
They hired me because of my attitude and not because my knowledge would be of any use for them.
Did I learn a lesson?
No, I keep issues locating documents because of the way I name files.