Taser I need you

Why can’t I have you?

I have my little routine before leaving my place in the morning, I put away my pillows, blankets and whatever else is lying around, then I fold the mattress (I know it sounds weird but I do and you’ll understand why), at this point Doggy is long gone, he runs to the living room and hides under the table. You know he’s been having pee issues since we moved, so he’s freedom at home is limited to the small family room, my room and the balcony, that’s what I have to practically remove my bed otherwise he throws a party on it, he doesn’t pee on it, he just likes to roll and put all his toys and nasty blanket on it. The point is that it took him 2-3 days to pick up what I was up to and now he hides as soon as he sees me removing the pillows. I can call him with food, all his toys but he’ll never come, I have to carry him. Until he doesn’t go back to his civilized self all carpeted areas at home will be off-limits.

Talking about off-limits, I have a “new” coworker, he moved from another office to mine on Monday, I already wanna kill him. We met in the past and the guy was ok, but now he wants to be my friend, he looks for my approval for all his silly jokes, he’s not funny, he wants to be cool, the kind of coolness that moves your crap to a different place, he took my mousepad today and put his on my desk, I ignored him, he kept giving me “hints” because according to him I hadn’t noticed it. Ohhhhh you IT guy do not mess with me or I’ll fire your ass and forward your resume to McDonalds.
What do you do when you want to kill and employee?
Put him out of his misery right?
I would be happy with a taser but apparently their are ilegal in Europe, why baby Jesus, why?