True Fairy Tales: Goldilocks
Profile: A cute, blond curly haired and unassuming kinda girl. The perfect thief, trained with Robin Hood, she was kicked out of the “Band of the Merry Men” after being found keeping all the diamonds and fur coat for herself. In her days in the forest she learned to use many rudimentary weapons. She earned the nickname “Queen of the Knives” because she could skin a deer in 3 minutes.
Facts: Although she has never been charged for the murder of a fellow human, charges for arson were pressed in at least 25 countries. She’s known for her bad, short and explosive temper. Many have the mark of her knife on their faces after arguing with her.
The most famous case is the one known as the “3 Bears” where she held captive 3 chubby guys who owned a haute couture atelier. According to police records, Goldilocks would provide the 3 Bears with skin from the animals of the forest. However, after she’s skinned all the animals of the forest she decided to take the money and fur coats of these 3 Bears. The bears attempted resistance, but Goldilocks managed to tie down the 3 Bears, gag them (which they secretly enjoyed) and demanded a ransom for them. Her demands weren’t met, she marked the 3 Bears, stole the coats, the money, pinks boas and burnt down the place. The 3 Bears couldn’t talk about what happened to them because sweet Goldilocks removed their tongues. She had planned to use them for the ransom note.
Goldilocks is considered to be responsible for bringing many species to the verge of extinction. Authorities suspect that after undergoing several plastic surgeries and changing her identity, she’s using her skills as a thief in the European Parliament and in some local politics, where she can be indulged with fur coats and luxury.
This post is dedicated to Joe. You wanted Goldilocks? That was Goldilocks for you.
If you enjoyed this (you did but you won’t admit to it) read Hansel and Gretel as a tribute to the Grim Brother’s whose 200 anniversary is today.
Note to self: never Google for naked bears pictures again, should have known better. Joke’s on me.