True Fairy Tales: Little Red Riding Hood
Profiles: Little Red Riding Hood, a small woman with a face so angelic that nobody ever questioned her innocence. The bright red cloak acted as much more for Little Red than just an obnoxious garment of clothing. After bringing the ‘lost little girl’ back into the woods to find her ‘grandmother’s house’ she’d pull off her cloak and choke her victims to death, with nobody in an earshot to hear their silent struggle.
The Woodcutter, a retired porn star and the lover of Little Red. Recognized by some as Paul Bunyan from his early (pre-porn) years. After realizing that ‘The Woodcutter’ made a horrible porn star name, despite having obvious dirty connotations, he became a mass murderer and slaughtered his victims with an axe.
Victim: Best cross-dressing animal in all of town, known only as ‘The Wolf’ in the local burlesque. He could do the cabaret like nobody’s business and had never even hurt a fly. Sadly for The Wolf, he had several orders of protection against him for being mistaken as The Big Bad Wolf, a serial killer (known victims: the three little pigs, and the boy who cried wolf and all his sheep).
Facts: After seducing the cross dressing wolf out of his clothes, Little Red commenced flirting with him, waiting for The Woodcutter to arrive (to kill him, not for a threesome)
“My what big teeth you have” she said coyly untying her hood.
“Better to eat you with.” The Wolf flirted back.
At this point, Little Red drew out her cloak and attacked the wolf. Leaping out of the bed, wearing nothing but his night gown the wolf shrieked for help. The old lady next door was fast asleep and there was nobody for miles. Little Red decided to switch things up and climbed into the wolf where she sliced him up on the inside, while The Woodcutter hacked him from outside.
That was the last anyone ever saw of The Wolf. Never again would there be a better rendition of Adele’s Rolling In the Deep at the burlesque. Some were relieved, most mourned. Little Red and The Woodcutter used what remained of The Wolf as a rug in their new home on Dury Lane where they posed as Little Bo Peep and the Muffin Man.